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There once was a family of three Evil-Fucker-Poshingtons

There was Mummy Evil-Fucker-Poshington.

Daddy Evil-Fucker-Poshington.

And baby Evil-Fucker-Poshington.

They lived in a beautiful cottage made of food. They had food floors, food walls and food ceilings. They had a woodpile in their garden made from food; food grass growing in their garden; and food trees to hang their hammocks from in their food garden. Even their pets pooed out food! They had so much food they didn’t know what to do with it anymore and so they started having to burn the food in their back garden!

The forest around Downing Street Cottage had become full of “horrible disabled monsters”, as the Evil-Fucker-Poshingtons liked to call them. At first the Evil-Fucker-Poshingtons gave them some of their food as they thought this would make the horrible disabled monsters go away. But they just kept coming back for more. Soon other horrible disabled monsters started to come and ask for food too. The poor Evil-Fucker-Poshingtons didn’t know what to do with themselves. Their Silly Neighbour said, “I think they’re just hungry, why don’t you just give them some of the food you are burning in your back garden?” Baby Evil-Fucker-Poshington laughed at his silly neighbour and said “It was giving some of them a little food which made them all come gathering in the first place.  It was okay giving it to a couple of horrible disabled monsters as a one-time thing, but they think we should keep giving them our food!”

 “But”, said the silly neighbour, “you have more food than you could ever eat, it will not hurt you to share your food with them. They are too sick to hunt for food like the other people who do not have magic food houses.”

“No, no, no Silly Neighbour! You do not understand. They are well enough to hunt for food. They just think they are not well enough to hunt for food because we gave them some food once before.”

“But, if they were well enough to hunt for food, as you say, would they not be hunting for food, and more of it, rather than sitting here outside of your door begging for little scraps of the food you throw at them?”

That night Baby Evil-Fucker-Poshington was sitting around the dinner table with Mummy and Daddy Evil-Fucker-Poshington playing a game of food toss. Daddy Evil-Fucker-Poshington tried to throw a doughnut onto a diamond pole, but one of the horrible disabled monsters outside growled in pain, the shock sent Daddy’s food doughnut straight out of the window. “Damn! Now some horrible disabled monster is going to come along and eat that!”

“We really must do something about the horrible disabled monsters Daddy! They make the forest look horribly untidy!” said Mummy Evil-Fucker-Poshington.

“I’ve got it!” cried out Baby. “I will make a test to see if they can hunt for food and if they can’t then we will give them food. But if they can hunt for food then we can be quite happy with never giving them food again and Silly Neighbour will have to go away and stop trying to make me feel guilty!”

“What will our test be? Shall we see if they can shoot a bow and arrow? Or if they can set a trap?” said Mummy.

“No, that will take too long and they can just pretend they can’t do those things” said Baby. “We have to make it a test that they can’t fake and that won’t take long.”

Daddy Evil-Fucker-Poshington said “I don’t care what the test is as long as it doesn’t cost me anything.”

“I’ve got it” said Baby. “To hunt you need to be able to pick up a bow! So if they can pick up a bow, then they can hunt!”

“Oh, how clever you are!” squealed Mummy with delight!

The very next day Baby Evil-Fucker-Poshington went out into the forest and said to the first disabled monster he saw, “Excuse me, can you pick up my bow for me? I will give you some food if you do”. The disabled monster could not bend to pick up the bow, so he trod on one end and the bow went up into the air so he could grasp it with the other hand. “Ha!” said Baby. “You have proven to me that you can pick up a bow, I do not have to give you any food now, go hunt your own!”

“But I cannot pull back a bow because my arms are too weak!”

“That is not MY problem” said Baby. “Now go off and hunt!”

Next Baby came up to a horrible disabled monster who had no arms. “You there!” he said. “Pick up this bow for me!” The horrible disabled monster could not so he asked another person who was walking alongside at that moment if he could pass it to Baby for him. “Ha!” said Baby. “You have now given me the bow, thus proving that you can hunt for your own food! You better never come near my cottage asking for food again!”

“But I couldn’t pick it up! I had to ask somebody else to pick it up for me!”

“Yes, and they did, thus proving that you can do it with support! Now get away from my house and never talk to me again!”

By the end of the week there were no disabled monsters left as none of them had managed to pass the test. Mummy, Daddy and Baby Evil-Fucker-Poshington were very happy with themselves. One day Silly Neighbour was returning after a long walk and looking very unhappy. “What is wrong with you old chap?” said Daddy.

“I have just come from the other side of the forest” said Silly Neighbour. “There is a pile of horrible disabled monsters and they are starving to death. I would give them my food, but I do not have enough to feed them all back to health.”

“But we thought they were all hunting somewhere!” said the Evil-Fucker-Poshingtons. “Well, we can’t give them our food” said Daddy. “If we gave them our food they would all just start asking us for food all of the time again. Right, Mummy and Baby, from now on, you must never go to the other side of the forest again.”

For three years they stayed in the cottage until one day a big flood came and washed all of their food away and Daddy became very sick. The Evil-Fucker-Poshingtons had to travel to find food, but everywhere they went doors were closed in their faces, the owners told them they had to hunt for their own food.  Daddy was too sick to hunt, and Mummy and Baby had never learnt how to.  One day they came to the other side of the forest where they found the bones of all of the horrible disabled monsters.  They were too tired to travel any further.

One day Silly Neighbour was taking a walk on the other side of the forest when he came across the bodies of Mummy, Daddy and Baby Evil-Fucker-Poshington. “If only they had asked me for food”, thought Silly Neighbour, “I would have gladly shared it with them.”

The moral of this story is don’t be an Evil-Fucker-Poshington. Sign Pat’s Petition http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/20968 because there are only a few days left in which you can help stop the cuts which are falling disproportionately on people with disabilities.