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It has been revealed that the cause behind most Tory policy is a little understood condition affecting party members called hysteriphobia. They are, quite literally, afraid of wombs. It was at first assumed that they simply did not like women, but when George Osborne recently fainted upon hearing the word “speculum”  the root cause of this behaviour called for greater investigation. Furthermore, this phenomenon is not limited to a fear of cis-women and those still in possession of their wombs; trans women and those who have had hysterectomies also provoked this phobia within Tory party members. It is understood that simply the perception of having a womb is enough to bring on the most aggressive symptoms of this condition. 


When recently the 40/40 group members suggested that young mothers should not be provided with housing, and should instead live with their parents after having a child, it was believed that the party members had little understanding about the causes of teenage pregnancy. Furthermore it was felt that they had purposefully refused to acknowledge that many young women who do become pregnant in order to receive a house did so to escape abusive homes or because they were “looked after children” (children brought up in care unsure of their future) and therefore desperately needed to escape from the cycle of abuse, or had no parents with which they could live. However, we can exclusively reveal that rather than a unsympathetic ploy to gain the populist vote this was a result of their fear of the gynaecology of these young women. It seems that the wombs of teenage girls are particularly frightening to sufferers of hysteriphobia, provoking the most aggressive symptoms.


The benefits cap has been seen by many to be a party policy mainly affecting women; they are, after all, the main recipients of benefits due to economic inactivity, resulting from the fact that they are most likely to be the main care givers of children, carers and single parents. It was thought that this was yet another incidence of callous disregard for women and their children on the part of the Tory party, however, it is now believed to be yet another symptom of this little understood condition. It is believed that the condition frequently results in a need to destroy the fertility of women by, quite literally, starving them of their fertility, therefore undermining an important function of the womb and its results (children).


It was once believed that hysteriphobia was a condition which only affected men, however, in recent times it has become apparent that the illness is also prevalent amongst female members of the party. Last year Nadine Dorries was accused of not allowing facts to get in the way of opinion. Her attacks upon abortion were believed to be the result of ignorance and arrogance. However, it is now believed that hysteriphobia causes its sufferers to create facts in order to support their illogical fear. This, it is thought, is the cause of Iain Duncan Smith’s haphazard use of fictional statistics.  Dorries’ desire to lower the abortion limit, it is now understood, was inspired by a need to remove the incidences of gynaecological procedures as, it is believed, sufferers believe the womb is a dangerous organ and the sufferers have a need to altruistically protect others, including medical staff, from coming into contact with it.


Numerous pieces of Tory policy disproportionately affect women: benefits caps; public sector cuts and pay freezes; abortion laws; immigration law; cuts to provisions for people with disabilities and their carers; the removal of Sure Start; and their desire to cut the role of Teaching Assistants and to replace many teachers (a disproportionate amount of whom are women) with members of the military (a disproportionate amount of whom are men), and this is simply the tip of the ice berg.  The cause of this has been speculated to be, amongst others, a hatred of the working class; a desire for a small state; an unfounded belief in (proven to be useless) austerity measures; and general villainy. However, it is now understood that far from being evil shits, the Tory party is petrified. They simply wish to starve women and to make them so stressed that they begin to miss their periods and lose their fertility (both of which petrify them due to their links to the womb) so that they might, once again, function as normal human beings (or the closest a Tory can get, which is actually nearer to a Disney villain). The fear is so strong that even the deaths of women (due to the extreme poverty and depression caused by their policies) would be preferable to allowing uterine women to remain prevalent within society.


Doctors say there is currently no available treatment for the condition. Psychologists state that their studies have shown that, at this time, the best course of action is for hysteriphobia sufferers to take complete rest. They, therefore, urge the British population not to vote for the Conservatives in the next general election as it is of paramount importance that they take to their beds. Dr MedicalPerson  is quoted as saying “you wouldn’t allow someone with hydrophobia to be in charge of the water supply, or place an arachnophobe in charge of a spider research facility; therefore, it is ludicrous that these sufferers of hysteriphobia have been placed In a position where they can make such profound decisions about the lives of women (quite literally the vessels housing the object of this phobia)”. It is believed that the majority of the members of UKIP are also suffering from this little understood condition, it is therefore urged that voters also refrain from electing them. This is evidenced by Nigel Farage’s volatile reaction to teenage sexuality and sex education, and his intense dislike of single mothers. There is currently no charity set up to assist hysteriphobia sufferers, it is therefore requested that instead you make donations to the alternative political parties in order to support their electioneering and therefore ensure that the sufferers are given their much needed rest by losing the next general election.