We’ve circled the car park three times and still can’t find a space. Occasionally we are fooled into believing we’ve found a space only to then realise a Smart car has been furtively hiding behind a larger car. Eventually two spaces open up at once. One is a disabled space. The other is a parent and child space. Staring at both spaces I can see an analogy for my life. Always having to choose whether I am to consider myself a disabled person, or a parent. Society never allows that the two will intersect.
I am a woman. I am a disabled person. I am a parent. I am not one sometimes and another at other times. I am always all three. At all points in my life these factors intersect. This is why I worry when disability is erased from feminism, parenting is erased from disability rights activism, disability is erased from parenting narratives and the intersection of being a disabled parent and a woman is erased from all of the above. I can only imagine the picture gets bleaker the more axes of oppression you add on.
The situation with the recent case about a court judgement in favour of First Bus after they were taken to court for discrimination against a wheelchair user is a case in point. The charge was levied by Doug Paulley, who had tried to board a First Bus only to be prevented by a, presumably, non-disabled parent who refused to move her buggy because she did not wish to wake her sleeping child. As a parent I find her attitude abhorrent, as disabled person I find her behaviour abhorrent, but as a disabled parent I am glad First Bus won the case. The problem is that not all disabled people are wheelchair users, and not all parents are non-disabled. What if, for instance the mother had a disability, but did not require a wheelchair? We might not be able to look at her and immediately know she had a disability, but she might have trouble holding a baby whilst folding a pushchair. She might have trouble lifting the pushchair onto the parcel shelf. She might have difficulty bracing herself whilst holding her baby. I know several women to whom all of these apply.
Similarly, the mother may be mentally ill. She might have post-natal depression. She might have spent nights awake with this baby who has only just fallen asleep and given her peace and quiet for the first time in weeks. I can empathise with any woman in that situation. What if she had stitches following birth?* Or had recently had a caesarean? The world of parenting and disability is so full of what ifs it’s hard to judge.
Then there are the myriad of baby magazines, with endless articles about keeping fit during pregnancy and exercising yourself back into your pre-baby body (yawn). I have a problem with the way these articles place pressure upon new parents, who the hell needs to worry about looking good when they are getting 3 hours sleep per night? But I think the impact can be greater upon parents who can’t exercise back into their pre-baby bodies because of disability. It becomes even more of an impossible ideal. Especially when you consider that many people with disabilities experience a level of body consciousness that many people with disabilities do not have to face.
Every television ad tells the same story. Parents are smiley. Parents are fresh. Parents are able bodied. I could sit there and watch 500 straight hours of television and not see a single reflection of myself. All of those hours could even be spent watching parenting television programmes and the situation would be unlikely to change.
When I was pregnant with my eldest I searched high and low for resources for parents with disabilities and more specifically parents with my disabilities. This was back in 2002, so maybe things have improved by then. Maybe there is a Gingerbread for disabled parents. But my searches at the time proved fruitless. I did not know how to be a disabled parent. I did not know what support I was entitled to, and failed to properly defend myself when my social worker suggested I solve my care needs by paying for an au pair. I was by that point a single parent, a whole extra layer of oppression, with no money, no peer group and no understanding of the Disability Discrimination Act. Social groups are so important for new parents, probably more important for disabled parents, but for the latter they are much harder to reach.
I’m not a maverick. I’m not the Neil Armstrong of disabled parenting. I am not the first disabled person to wheel to the school gates. So why should it be that disabled parents are so erased from a myriad of narratives?
“Since 2004, the Labour force survey has used the definition of disabled person contained in the Disability Discrimination Act 1995: that is, anyone with a long-term health problem or disability which has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on the ability to carry out normal day-today activities. Using this definition, about 12 per cent (1.7 million) of Britain’s 14.1 million parents are disabled12 and 1.1 million households with dependent children have at least one disabled parent.” (SCIE )
I would argue that 12 per cent of parents having disabilities warrants a little more attention from the media, and explicit focus from social justice circles. If 12 per cent of parents have disabilities then I’d hazard a guess that there is a similar percentage of children who are young carers. Furthermore, young carers are more likely, relative to the general population, to have disabilities themselves.
The SCIE state that disabled parents are vulnerable to “experiences such as unemployment, poor housing, domestic violence and family conflict” and that this “can have as significant an impact as impairment, illness or substance abuse.” The social model is of import here. These factors are not the natural conclusion of disability, they are the result of systemic bias against disabled parents. Furthermore these factors are more likely to affect women; 90% of lone parents are women, many of whom have disabilities. Arguably this is a feminist, parenting and disability rights issue.
Then there is the issue that families often have more than one disabled person. My family of 5 has 3, plus another child with additional needs. We’re like the crippled Brady Bunch- which I think is a brilliant idea for a television show. When it first became apparent that my second son had additional needs I didn’t know where to turn. He wouldn’t sleep so I couldn’t sleep. He required numerous assessments and I couldn’t drive or use public transport. Furthermore what help we did receive was at times just bizarre and involved non-disabled parents judging me for not being able to do as they did.
The thing is non-disabled parents can sweat the small stuff. If they run out of bread they can pop to the shop. They don’t have to timetable when they’re going to put the dishes in the dishwasher because of the impact it might have on their energy levels. We’re not so fortunate. From my conversations with other disabled parents I’ve found that my experiences are in no way unique. We are routinely undermined, patronised and judged for not fitting an abled view of parenting. They hold us up to the standard of a non-disabled parent and it’s cruel because we could put in far more effort than them, love our children with just as much force, but because of our bodies or minds, never fit that mould.
Disabled parenting is hard, disabled parenting a disabled child can be a whole new world. Yes, we’re the same as other parents. Yes, we experience a lot of the same oppressions as non-parent disabled people, and non-disabled feminists. But we have a lot of experiences that don’t fit neatly into one social justice area. It’s an intersection that brings wildly different experiences with it, and I for one would like that to become a greater part of the social justice narrative.
*I refer to she in the above post only because the case involved a woman. Please note I do not intend to erase fathers. In the same vein I refer to “her” stitches and c-section- again this is due to the case concerning a cis woman and is not intended to erase trans fathers who may also have the misfortune of experiencing c-sections/stitches.
socialjustice said:
Reblogged this on Social Justice.
vijitmalviyablogs said:
Amazing
PBandJAM said:
Thank you for sharing your life in such a vulnerable way.
veganwin said:
I always drive straight to the back of any parking lot. I can walk 100m, hell I regularly cycle 150km + with friends. I prefer to park where it’s less crowded and to leave the spots near the entrance for those who need them.
I’m constantly in awe of gym parking lots where all the closest spaces are taken. I’ve even seen cars circling to get a spot closer to the door. Why can’t they walk a few metres before they do their ten kilometer run on a treadmill.
I feel for you sister.
michellezmadness said:
Reblogged this on Inside The Inner Workings Of A Teenage Mind.
denisekidsstories said:
totally agree. As a disabled parent myself using a crutch full time i found it so hard. The worst when i was pregnant with my first child and getting on to a bus and the people just barging past me. Bad enough i was 7 months and showing it. Got even better after I had my child and no one except an elderly person would help me off the bus with the pram!. I then got a car and a disabled pass and i am still amazed at the amount of people that take wheelchair parking out of laziness and no consideration. Saying that for every rude person there is the nice ones also. (usually people with children I find). I just wish people would think twice first as just because you’re not in a wheelchair doesn’t mean you are not disabled.
Ann Neville said:
Well put. Neither I, nor my kids, ‘look’ disabled but would fit the definitions under the disability act – and my sister is a disabled mum, though the children are grown up now, so I appreciate the reminder that the world doesn’t fall into neat binaries of healthy versus the rest.
Mrs. Edick said:
Thank you for your story. You have guven me much to think about.
aspenbrianaa said:
Amazing ! Check out my blog Momfo, mom info
pjmcc2014 said:
So great to see First Bus won the case! Excellently written piece..
Changemate said:
^^() ○●○● http://www.progress4u.wordpress.com
♡♡♡
laru004 said:
Reblogged this on laru004's Blog.
followechoes said:
When I am out and about with L and we need to park the car I use the disabled space. She has a blue badge so therefore is entitled. I have lost the count of times I have been stared at because when I get out the car they look me up and down and give me that look that says “your not disabled”. They then look at her. Yes she looks normal, but she is a non verbal Autistic. It amazes me people assume that to park in these spaces you have to be physically disabled.
Deblet said:
Great post,worked for many years in an acute spinal injury rehab ward and have a huge amount of respect for anyone living and coping with an disability.Being Mom is tough enough as an able bodied person,so lots of respect to you.
shilyot said:
We are all more than the sum of our parts. When ‘required’ to re.apply for my own job, I was grieving for my mother with dementia. I ‘lost’ my job, was demoted. I never viewed myself as depressed, but I was. Made me think.
mecman1972 said:
Reblogged this on truefreedom4everyone.
mecman1972 said:
My wife is also disabled and at the young age of thrity, she was in a wheelchiar for years and was due to physical theropy able to start walking again. When i met her she physically appeared to have few limitiations if any (we met at church) and fell in love and God blessed us. We married soon afterward and were graced with a beautiful little girl, the price to my wife was tremendous as the OBG botched the delivery and further injured my wife. He cruely put her through 32 hours of labor and while they tried 5 epidulars all of them poped out as her back was so damaged by her accident. She went through Hell and afterward couldnt lift her head on her own. She went in and had to have three discs in her neck fused. That operation failed as the grafts from her hip failed to take (even with a bone stimiulator) the state of alabama was a nightmare as the laws there didnt protect her rights and the same moron who delivered our child and further cripled my wife still practices and we werent able to even take him to court. She lives every day in pain and simple chores are agony for her. She’s a saint and works with our child every day and does above and beyond what most parents who arent injured do. Yet to “look” at her you don’t see her disablities as they are all internal. She has a double major fouryear degree and is the light of my life. Yet society deals her a hard hand and offers little help. She gets disablitlity (but only after over two years of court battles and tons of medical documentation.) But that “income” isnt enough to cover all her medical bills and all our money goes to them. So even though i make a decent income we are still borerline where it comes to poverty. One missed paycheck and we are in trouble. Radical reform needs to take place in law and goverment and the rights and medical care for those with physical and mental dissablities with better care some of these people can go back to work as my wife would like to but cant because she needs further operations.
faunandflora said:
Reblogged this on faun & flora..
loveheart99 said:
Reblogged this on loveheart99.
gemsonkat said:
Reblogged this on Gems favourite things.
senison said:
My parenting blog that involves tyranny: http://tyrannyindiapers.wordpress.com
bjscrazyworld said:
Your words ring true, thank you.
Snob said:
Being a disabled adult and a woman (not a mother yet, hopefully one day) I completely agree with you and have faced similar situations many times.
saydek94 said:
Reblogged this on Unleash the Millennial.